“If being reminded of how much we are are not God, how little control and power we have, or claiming our fallibility and insignificance and humility was the antidote to a drinking problem, women wouldn’t have drinking problems” (Whitaker, 2019, pp. 110-111).
As Holly Whitaker notes, AA was set up for men, by men, and prescribes, as part of the process to stop drinking, to cut down one’s ego. This is counterproductive for most women and minorities. We are already aware of how unimportant we are, especially to men.
Rather than constantly reminding ourselves of our fallibility, we might be better served by giving ourselves grace.
Give yourself the grace to feel your actual feelings, not necessarily the ones you are supposed to be having. Stopping drinking will make life a lot better, but things can still be difficult. Some challenges will remain, and new challenges will arrive.
Give yourself the grace to embrace the concept of yet -- you might not have gotten where you want to be, yet. You might not be sober yet. You might not be in the place where you see your role models in the recovery space – yet. This is not a problem; it is a part of recovery.
Give yourself the grace to find and empower your voice. Yes, you should do a lot of listening. But that doesn’t mean you are not ready to speak.
As Whitaker says, “If you’re anything like me, you don’t need to be told what ‘right-sized’ is because you’ve been trying your whole life to be impossibly small” (2019, p.107). Allow yourself to take space, work on accepting who and where you are, and speak your truth.
Becky D
Whitaker, H. (2019). Quit like a woman: The radical choice to not drink in a culture obsessed with alcohol. New York, NY: The Dial Press.
Giving Ourselves Grace
Becky D
