I came into AA a total mess. Angry, resentful, hating everyone, even myself. I found a sponsor right away and she took me through the first 3 steps using the 12/12. She asked me if I believed in god and I said yes. I didn’t know if I did or didn’t believe but I didn’t want to lose her as a sponsor. We were going to start working on my 4th step but unfortunately she had a stroke. I was 5 months sober. I got another sponsor who took me through the first 3 steps again using the big book. Once again I am ready to with my 4th step but my temporary sponsor hadn’t done her 4th yet so she couldn’t help me with mine. I had to find a permanent sponsor which I did. She took me through the first 3 steps yet again using the big book. I was a year sober at this point. Ready for my 4th step, I was asked to make a list of people I had resentments against. I came up with 9 people and most of them were dead. My sponsor was not happy with me. She said she has never known anyone to have only 9 people on the list and suggested that maybe I wasn’t praying hard enough. She told me to say the 3rd step prayer over and over, then clear my mind and just let the memories come. So I did as I was told and nothing happened. Probably because reciting a prayer was not really praying. In fact I didn’t know how to pray. What was I praying to? Who was I praying to? Every time I closed my eyes to pray all I could envision was a man in white robes with a long beard and a staff. The guy from the church my mom took me to when I was little.
So I googled “what is the right number of people on a resentment list in AA?” I didn’t find any answers. I called my sponsor and told her I still only have 9 people on my list. She told me I still wasn’t praying correctly and to call her when I was ready to get serious. She then sent me a text to the effect that if I am not thoroughly honest about my 4th step, I will drink again. Well I certainly didn’t want to do that so I called my friend Sue. Sue and I met at a meeting when I was brand new to AA and we saw each other every morning when we went to the church to set up. She knew everything about me as we had great conversations during those times. She experienced my good and bad times every day. She knew more about me than anyone else. She became my sponsor and took me right to the 4th step. I still only had 9 people on my list.
Being thorough and honest wasn’t difficult for me as I took the steps very seriously. By step 6 we were working out of Drop the Rock and that’s when it happened. I could no longer talk about god and feel good about. I had really tried to embrace the god thing. I was so thirsty to have what everyone else had that I was willing to crawl through the desert toward a mirage and drink the sand. I was that desperate and willing. I stood in the circles, held hands and said the prayers. I talked about god at meetings but didn’t feel anything. I felt like a phony.
One morning while working on step 6 using the book Drop the Rock, I realized I had had enough. I needed to be true to myself. I called my sponsor and told her I no longer wanted to work out of Drop the Rock. I want to work out of my book, Staying Sober Without god. Exact same steps as the 12/12 but no god. She was a little taken aback and asked me what I was going to do about a higher power. I told her that any power comes from me. I have the power to do the work and go to meetings. I have the power to recognize and change my actions. I have the power to make good decisions. No one else can do that for me.
Sue took me through the rest of the steps using my book. She has been very respectful of my journey and she is still my friend and sponsor today. She always tells me in doesn’t matter what ingredients we use to stay sober as long as we make the same cake. I have realized that it doesn’t matter what I believe, it matters what I do. Over 4 years later, I’m still sober and have a strong foundation of recovery. I know the difference between existing in an alcoholic state and living the best life I’ve ever known. I no longer drink the sand.
Tracy H